back again

First of all, it's been a long time, but again, my dumb-ass kept writing and forgot to share, so I am now doing those pieces again and fresh. It's been 2 days since my sister has gone back and however it gets busy with her around it is more lively.

Anyways, I've barely been gaming and I didn't realize how much I was leaning on it until I stopped. It was my exit, didn't matter what kind of mood or state I was in, I'd just play and check out for a bit. And I know people say they play to relax but I don't fully get that, because I want to win too. If it's a competitive game I want to actually try, otherwise what are we even doing. That's also why I lose it when the people I play with won't play casual modes and won't play ranked like it's ranked, pick one. Anyway, not having that outlet right now has left this empty pocket I keep noticing. Probably good I'm off it for a bit, I'd become annoying to play with, I'll admit that.

Gym's been good actually, I can feel myself getting somewhere with it, which is rare for me to say about anything. But it's wrecking me. By the time the day is done the only window I have for myself is the one I'm supposed to be sleeping in. And I keep choosing the window. I know that's bad. I keep doing it anyway. I don't even know if I need that time or if I just want it, and at some point I stopped trying to figure out which.

There's a trip coming up next week and I keep going back and forth in my head about it. I want to go. Everything is set. And still there's this guilt sitting in me and I genuinely cannot tell you what it's about. Nothing is wrong, no one made me feel bad about it, I have the time, I have the money. It's just there, quietly eating at me, and the closer it gets the louder it gets.

So yeah. Things have been just fine, I guess. Maybe not. Not terrible, definitely not good. But it's alright.

Enough for now, catch you in the next rant.