24

A week ago I turned 24 years old. A number that may not seem odd or special. But to me, this number will haunt me forever.

It's not as if I had a terrible day that day, in fact I had a lot of fun. On that day I was with my friends on a trip that was nothing short of fantastic, having fun. All while something kept eating me inside, poking a wounds that I cannot talk about.

Two years ago, 24 the year I lost someone so important in my life, someone that I never had imagined would go so far from me. My brother would have turned 24 that year... And it never sit right with me how fast it all just happened, I am at a loss of words even today for what happened and only way I can even go by my day is to just.. stay distracted, enough that I feel numbness in my head and my heart.

So it just doesn't feel right that I got to be 24, that I am now an age my brother did not see. All this while I haven't accomplished even 1% of what he did, I am not 1% man he was. I am just a fucking disappointment and liability, I don't even deserve to be here... but now I am and I can't do anything about it.

I wonder at times what could have happened differently, what could I have done to avoid this. But I don't have an answer...

Should I just have killed myself before any of it even happened? Maybe that could have changed something...